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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in 99blackballoons' LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
11:19 am
dreams
i had 2 horrible dreams this morning...

in the first i was with eric at his house and an ex girlfriend of his was visiting and she was chubby and blonde and super cheery and know-it-all. i hated her. but she was after eric big time so i was keeping watch. that night (for some stupid reason) i slept in the top of a bunk bed and they slept on what was supposed to be the front seat of the malibu layed flat, but in this room. thenn i heard eric saying "ow! stop it! my girlfriend is in the room" and i sat up and she was coming onto him and trying to have sex with him. i jumped right on top of her and started yelling and screaming at her about things along the lines of stay away from eric, but i dont remember the words, and she said "you have stinky breath" and i breathed long in her face while holding her down sitting on her like i was. i woke up disturbed.

in the second one i dont remember the whole thing now, but it had been some sort of government parade that day and they always had like 4 girls dress in these sailor-like dresses and sing that "so long, farewell" song from sound of music on a float with 2 parent figures. i was told twice throughout the dream "thats not the child" whn i accidently ended up holding the pile of clothes in the mayor's office. i was walking to church with my family on a dirt road, it was sunny though. but all shapes and sizes of snakes were slithering up the road going the other direction. i think i was on piggy back of someone proabyl my dad. for some part of the dream i was extremely depressed and had been crying when this black guy (from the whole nine yards movie) came to get me and his boss was talking to hilary on the phone. our parents werent in the picture at this point for some reason. she had gone to tiwana or somewhere spanish and the boss said she was "strung out on something" and i didnt believe her. but i asked her straight up on the phone and she said "...just some tobacco..." lazily. i burst out cryingn and asked her how she could do this to our family when we couldnt even handle the depression parts. then i went up to the boss's office where those little dresses were and 2 speakers were there to talk to me about their experiences with drugs because in the dream this was hilary's third time being stupid with drugs,. and as i greeted them i sobbed and couldnt calm down or stop crying. it pretty much ended there...

why does my mind have to think up such crazy things for me to dream?
Monday, September 25th, 2006
10:45 am
kenny
its been 9 months since kenny moved and 4 since we broke up, but those memories are still there. every picture i have of him i have memories. theyre brutal. some have good memories some have bad, but they always bring up emotions. i never want him back. ever. he did me the best favor by dumping me because now i have eric forever to love and hold me. but still those memories...
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
5:35 pm
im so miserable here. theres nothing to do and i have no friends. i have no job. i may not even get to have one at all because no one seems to want me or have room for me in a job. ill have no money and without money i wont be able to see eric because i wont have gas money. id have to rely on his money and i dont want to do that. i just want to be with eric or go home right now. i get almost no homework all the time in my classes and i have so much free time. im literally bored to tears right now. i want to cry but im afraid mariah will come back and walk in on it. ill be embarassed. eric isnt picking up his cell phone, which is becoming a habit lately it seems, and hes not even home when i called his house. im not sure if somethings going on with him or what. im not suspecting hes losing interest in me or looking at someone else, but i wonder if hes depressed or something. hes always tired. the week before i got here he said he was having really bad stomach pain like an ulcer. but i dont think he will tell me whats wrong if he even knows. i dont know what to do. im going to call him later so i can talk to him after my meeting tonight, i hope he will be home if i have to call his house. hes not with brandon because his phone rang the regular amount of times so hes not in henniker. maybe he went to buy parts for his car or something. i hope we can hang out tomorrow. i just dont want to smother him and i cant tell if i am or not. whenever i write out these long letters to him that i intend to read to him or tell him most of, i feel stupid because they are long like this and i dont want him to feel like he has to read essays. i want to know his views on these things. i feel kinda sick when i cant talk to him because i worry about him. i dont need to know where he is all the time, i just want him to call me back if he misses my call.i hate being like this. i still have an hour before i have to go to that meeting. but now i dont even want to go anymore. i just want to stay here, but theres nothing to do here. i had motivation today before i tried calling eric but now its gone because im worried. im so stupid with this stuff. i hate suffocating people but i always do it it seems.
Thursday, August 31st, 2006
1:55 am
Anxiety
everyone i talk to says "youll be fine" but "...eventually" is the part they forget to add.
im really nervous about moving in friday.

last night when mom gave me papers about friday i got so nervous i had a small panic attack and couldnt breathe. right now im so nervous i just want to burst out crying.

i dont know my room mate at all. i dont really want a room mate but mom would say its best to make a new friend. shes always lecturing me about how NEC is a fresh start, a clean slate, to make new friends-and lots of them. dad lectured me in a loud voice in the car about not getting into anything serious with eric and spending lots of time on campus doing groups, my job, making friends, and doing my homework. they really really dont want me to be at erics house all the time, they wanted to keep my car here to enforce it! theyre pissing me off. i dont want to do lots of groups at school and be the preppy overacheiver ive never been. and its too late to not get into something serious with eric. i know they don twant me to dump him but im not going to let groups and activities be my whole life and lose eric. i want to actually have some free time and fun while im at school.

im just nervous and dont know who to talk to or what to say without bursting out crying from anxiety. i havent been nervous until now. i dont want to cry in public like a baby everyone will think im homesick but thats not whats worrying me.

im nervous
im nervous
im scared

i wish i could be comforted right now but its not going to happen at 2am or any other time of the day. everyone thinks im just being overcautious but its other things.

what if i get depressed again? what if i have a full blown manic episode like never before? i dont want to be on medicene and i dont want to lose eric to being depressed. i have so many worries and theyre just silenced with "it will be ok" and im sick of that response


but i dont know what other response i would want...

Current Mood: OVERWHELMED
Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
9:33 pm
yea right
everyone went away to college last year and had a good time. i should have gone too. they look like they had so much fun in their facebook albums meeting new people, going fun places, drinking, i feel left out. i hope i can have as good of a year as they did...

i bitched kyle out and im waiting for his idiotic repsonse. here's what i wrote. he wanted to be friends again-

i think it could very well be too late for that. you didnt treat me very well when we were together and altogether ignored me for whatever reason you claim after you dumped me. i know you say me being in the hospital reminded you of when you were suicidal but if you really cared for me you would have been strong enough to stay. i don believe that you ever even really cared for me much at all the way you treated me. you got to lose your virginity and then i lost my purpose. my other ex and my current boyfriend are paying for how you treated me because i have a hard time accepting people can actually love me and be attracted to me beyond just having sex. im not passive and easy like i used to be and i havent forgotten how you did and didnt treat me. you should be a lot more ashamed than you are for using me the way you did. you were embarassed of me, i could see it im not dumb. i saw how you treated your other girlfriends being all over them all the time. you dumped me because you were weak and you thought you had a better impending relationship with megan campbell and i thank you for treating me like crap. i got better without you, on my own. i have a loving caring boyfriend who is the exact opposite of you. and with that said, remind me, why do i want to be friendly with you?

Current Mood: depressed
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
9:34 pm
THE SKY IS FALLING THE SKY IS DEFINETLY FALLING
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: hi
Fisharrow: hello
Fisharrow: how r u
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: im ok and you
Fisharrow: fien
Fisharrow: what up?
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: trying to occupy myself for another hour or so so i dont have a hard time sleeping in the morning
Fisharrow: i see
Fisharrow: well anythign on your mind lol
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: its pretty blank at the moment, actually
Fisharrow: lol
Fisharrow: ok i have a question hwo old r u
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 18 how old are you
Fisharrow: 18
Fisharrow: ru seeing any one?
Fisharrow: hello?
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: sorry i left the room and forgot to put away on
Fisharrow: ok
Fisharrow: r u seeign anyone?
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: im just sort of looking around at the moment
Fisharrow: i see
Fisharrow: i hahve a question
Fisharrow: do u like me at all or not your type?
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: well, i dont really have a "type" ive only had 1 boyfriend so far
Fisharrow: ok
Fisharrow: we can talk more tommarrow but would u be willing to think about it for right now ok
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: ok
Fisharrow: o i forgot to ask, i know it is rather personal, but i have to ask every girl i want to go out with ,
Fisharrow: do u have ANY stds
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: no
Fisharrow: ok god
Fisharrow: well i will see u tommarrow ok
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: oh youre going
Fisharrow: yes
Fisharrow: i gtg bye
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: byeb
Fisharrow signed off at 9:23 PM


this is creepy to me...this has never hapened to me before. i feel bad right now though because i met another guy in that same english class when we were "learning about our neighbors" who had almost all the same interests as me and hes in 2 of my classes. i wanted to do basically the same thing this boy kenny did to me. i wouldnt mind being his friend, but right now i want to go after the other guy. but i thought about it before and i wouldnt mind being friends with kenny and if it became more fine. i hope my asking chris for his screen name thing goes well tomorrow. he's even starting a job as a mall security guard tomorrow, and i have just started working at walden books. to me it seems perfect, but i dont know how he feels about it...im afraid he will think im too young or i look too freakish...although he really liked my purple hair and the fact i had pink. oh i just have to wait now and im so bad at that!

Current Mood: FREAKED OUT!
Monday, August 29th, 2005
10:48 am
This is it
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14:  im already excited! arent you even the least bit antsy to put this trip together so we can meet?
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
hmm?
Joshskylands: 
i am
Joshskylands: 
but we cant do it yet
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
it will be more easy once we get a job and start working
Joshskylands: 
yea maybe
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
it will be perfect even if we stay in the cheapest hotel ever. just being with you will be perfect
Joshskylands: 
your right
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
but iwas thinking
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
my parents have this time share thing with the hilton so maybe they can book a room and use up our points then we'll have one less thing to worry about
Joshskylands: 
are you sure
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
they have to find out someday
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
im going whether they like it or not. i'll find a way
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
i'll have a job and money and a car to get to the train or bus or whatever i take to get to you
Joshskylands: 
your rushing into things
Joshskylands: 
you really gotta slow down and think about it
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
think about what
Joshskylands: 
anything can happen to you on the bus or train
Joshskylands: 
we dont have money
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
notyet
Joshskylands: 
we can easily go the wrong way
Joshskylands: 
we just arent ready yet
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
are you sure its a good idea to keep this online thing going?
Joshskylands: 
what do you think
Joshskylands: 
i think we should stay friends just like we are for now
Joshskylands: 
but when we have the best available chance to meet
Joshskylands: 
we take it from there
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
i really really like you, youre the best guy i've ever met. but i feel that meeting you would make me sure that i want to keep liking you this much. do you know what im saying
Joshskylands: 
yea
Joshskylands: 
but you have to understand were not ready
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
theres going to be brand new people in college and i dont want you to try to wait for me. i just wish we had met in 2 years or so, so this would be easier
Joshskylands: 
you can do whatever you want until we are ready ok
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
what do you mean
Joshskylands: 
you can do whatever with whoever until we are ready
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
but when do you think we're really going to be ready
Joshskylands: 
i cant tell you when your going to be ready
Joshskylands: 
but i will be after college
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
you want to wait that long to meet me?
Joshskylands: 
i have no choice
Joshskylands: 
i have no other time
Joshskylands: 
this is so hard for me
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
why do you think you want to wait that long
Joshskylands: 
because i have no money
Joshskylands: 
and i have no time
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
it would be on a weekend
Joshskylands: 
once i get this job i will be working over the weekends
Joshskylands: 
so that i can support us
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
support us?
Joshskylands: 
yea
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
like live together? i dont understand
Joshskylands: 
not live together
Joshskylands: 
i just want to make everything perfect for us
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
how so
Joshskylands: 
i dunno
Joshskylands: 
this is getting slightly frustrating
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
i know
Joshskylands: 
can we just talk about something else
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
would you tell me if you ahd a girlfriend
Joshskylands: 
yes
Joshskylands: 
i would
Joshskylands: 
havent had one for a year
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
i have had a boyfriend since spring 2004
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
havent
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
hes the only ass hole ive ever been with
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
its going to be hard to have someone else when i like you so much though
Joshskylands: 
yea
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
if this had happened to us a year earlier i would have tried to get into a school in NY
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
its frusterating getting dealt the bad hand all the time
Joshskylands: 
yea
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
if you ever change your mind and would want to meet sooner let me know. i sort of doubt i'll even have a boyfriend any time soon. they all look right over me
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
dont keep your virginity for me either. live your life as if this never happened but we'll chat once in a while
Joshskylands: 
ok
Joshskylands: 
if thats how you feel
Joshskylands: 
but i really dont like anyone cept you
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
i cant tell you what to do
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
i feel the same way
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
maybe it will work after youget out of college you could move closer possibly
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
i'll be switching to a 4 year school probably in boston but most likely somewhere in mass if i keep my grades up and the transfer option goes as planned
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
i'll have 2 more years
Joshskylands: 
cool
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
this is so unfair. i dont know what todo with myself now
Joshskylands: 
dont worry please
Joshskylands: 
ill still be here
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
im just sad it feels like we're breaking up
Joshskylands: 
we werent actually a couple but it felt that way
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
yea
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
i wish it were that way
Joshskylands: 
just trust me
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
i dont want to be alone thats what scares me most is being alone for the rest of my life with no company other than a cat or two
Joshskylands: 
long as u keep trusting me your not alone
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
what exactly do you mean by that?
Joshskylands: 
you know what i mean
Joshskylands: 
i gtg
KiLLeR BuNNiEz14: 
ok bye then
Joshskylands signed off at 10:46 AM


Current Mood: crushed
Friday, August 26th, 2005
11:30 pm
what i'd like to say...
chris-
are you sure you don't have a girlfriend already? you have mostly girls as friends on your myspace. i dont know, i am just afraid this wont work and it will just hurt both of us wanting something we cant have. i cant make up my mind about this. i sit and daydream of being with you but then i also have times when i am worried i will miss my perfect opportunity to snatch my perfect guy because i am waiting for you to get your act together and come meet me. and the scary thing about that is that when i think of not being involved you (only when i'm in this mood) i feel relieved and free. sometimes that scares me. you flatter me and make me feel very good, but im starting to wonder if thats just the kind of guy you are and you're just a "smooth operator" with girls. i cant watch what you do or know about what you do in real life, i can only go by what you say and i want to trust you but part of me has a hard time doing that. im paranoid about a lot of things and this is one of them. i want to be happy, and by that i mean i want to be able to have a full time boyfriend not a part-time one. but then, you make me happy. by that i mean that you say something nice, flattering,or funny and i feel like i know you and so filled with happiness that we found each other. i feel like maybe, just maybe, if you were telling me the truth about your intentions you would have IMed me atleast at one of the two times we were online to wish me a happy 18th birthday. thanks a lot because now i feel just great about our situation. what the hell am i supposed to think...

Current Mood: Paranoid
Wednesday, August 10th, 2005
9:37 pm
This bucket is too small for all this...it will surely overflow soon
this has been the longest yet shortest, dullest yet nervewracking, numb, miserable, consfusing,uneventful summer ive ever had. my mind is bouncing off the walls from all the boredom and drowning in the millions of unanswered questions and vague descriptions of college. they are endless and unrelenting coming to me day and night, awake or asleep. i have no one that i know that is only a bit older than me that can tell me about college, nevermind northern essex. everyone else has already had their orientations and they are all set to dive right into college independence. i havent had any of that and the northern essex website has such vague descriptions of their clubs and what not it drives me more crazy! i gotta go to the BIPOLAR FRIENDS chatroom. ive been going there lately and theyre all for the most part older and everyone there is ready to listen to your story and catch you when you fall. if only i could obtain such a relationship with a real person...

Current Mood: sick to my stomach w/ thoughts
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
9:30 pm
Mr. Sniffles
im going to make this short. last night my mom and i were here in my room looking at cats on the mspca site and other sites. i saw a couple of cats i would love to have but i know they wont be there when i get there. then hilary comes home yelling wanting to know where we were and she walked into my room with another cat! and it was sneezing and had runny eyes. i was so mad and frusterated. i wasnt even over the kitten dying yesterday morning nevermind instatnly having a new cat i had no say in. i started feeling bad for him because he was cute and we were all saying hilary should take him bad. hilary came to me and let me pet him and he was sort of snorting a bit and his eyes were runny and red and i swear he had a bloody nose. she took him away and i told my mom straight up that i did not want the responsibility or heartache of having another sick cat that will die in a week. my parents talked to her but my family is full of softies and hilary went out leaving the cat in her room. i was mad about that, then mom said that they were taking him to the vet tomorrow (today) and asked if i wanted to come. i said i didnt want to see that cat until i knew he was healthy and staying with us. i get attached too quickly and im sick of always being distressed about changes in my life. i think my dad burried the kitten l ast night. i saw a picture of her today and it made me so sad. she was so young and didnt deserve to die. she was in a good place.
this cat who is a male and actually considered a kiten at 11 weeks old is shades of orange and has a tiger like pattern on him. today i had to give him mediccene with hilary. i held him and even though he was struggling he was purring. it was bizarre. i cant believe all this is going on...is this really my life??

Current Mood: crazy
Monday, July 18th, 2005
9:42 am
easy come easy go? i think not
our kitten died this morning just like keiko did. she lost control of her body. i feel so horrible because i woke up and felt a big circle of wetness where she had been sleeping so i stripped my bed and took her from hilary's room and put her in her box because i thought she peed on my bed. my mom says that when she left for work the kitten was sleeping but looked weak and she had pooped on the towels in there. now, i was up stripping my bed at about 6 or 7am and when i picked her up and put her in the cage she looked normal and i wasnt worried. but at about 9am i heard hilary saying "the kit-en died" loudly on the phone with my mom. i thought i was maybe having a bad dream and i didnt beleiveit until she came inand gave the phone to me and mom told me. i wanted to cry when she told me but i didnt want to worry my mom. after hilary left i went and looked in the cage and she was laying on her side stretched out in the back of the litter pan and her eyes were a little open and so was her mouth. she looked like she was in pain. now im mad at myself for not looking more closely at her when i put her in the box. i would have let her sleep on my bed or in my lap just to be comortable. it makes me so sad to know that she died alone in a box full of poop and pee. when i patted her she was stiff and i half expected she would flick her ear when i touchced it but it didnt move. she was the new highlight of my life-someone else to spend my lonely days with! now i feel overwhelmed by secrets and mysteries from yesterday and today and wondering what else i dont know that will happen to me next. i want to go pat her again because dad is going to burry her when he gets home. she was so cute and it made my family so happy she was there with us. im atleast glad she got to spend time in a comfortable house with plenty of food and water and comfy places to sit or sleep. i just cant believe shes gone. she just got here

Current Mood: depressed
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
7:42 pm
Things in common
today i went to my cousin (actually its my mom's cousin's son but we are cousins on some level) he turned 30. ive never been really close with him (or any of my other older cousins) but i feel closer to him now. ill explain later because i have other things to write before this happenend. there were 4 or 5 older ladies (including my grandmother and great aunt mary) and they were all talking about funny memories and all kinds of things they had done and i love listening to that sort of thing. i alwaays feel a bit awkward at family parties though because me and my sister are the only teenagers in the family but we're not kids, so i always pretend im not listening because sometimes they talk about things that im not "supposed to know/understand" like sex. but they may think that im an adult and i can hear it because this is just a feeling i always have and nancy might beat me with a stick if she found out i was having this feeling that because i feel it the other person feels it too (just kidding, but she really should give me a good smack so i will stop thinking these silly things) anyways the party was just sitting in the little yard, hearing stories, laughing, younger cousins running around collecting bugs, and the birthday boy making his rounds of telling us he loved us and hugging us because he was getting drunk. patti played a trick on him-he put his beer on the table then turned around to talk to other people and patti put it under the table and when he turned to grab his beer he looked around and was most likely thinking "wow i could have sworn i had a beer...im leaving this is scary!" but another aunt gave it back to him because it was sitting in front of her 3 year old daughter. when everyone started leaving, or after most of the people had left rather, we were saying good bye to shirley (my moms cousin) and timmy (shirley's son) and shirley was telling me how timmy was born premature like me but he had lossof oxygenin his eyes or something so when he was 12 he had eye surgery and that was the day i was born. so she said timmy woke up and looked around at everyone as said "what are you doing here? you should be with terri and the baby" so she said timmy kicked my grnadmother out to go see me. then my aunt came over and said that she lost all her helping hands for moving because that day i was born she was leaving her husband. i already knew that one, but the other thing about timmy telling everyone to go see me my first small reaction was to cry. it sounded so nice of him to do that. so then everyone started talking some more and timmy walked away from the group and motioned me over. i was thinking "uh-oh, another i love you hugging fest" but he was pretty serious when he talked to me (especially for all the alcohol he had consumed) he started telling me he wanted to tell me this befoe but he didnt know how he should do it. that made me nervous righ there. then he said that he knows exactly how i feel and how it was being at hampstead hospital. that made my chest get tight and i felt freaked out. another relative thats had visits to a mental hospital? he said he had been there twice-one when he was 20 or 21 and the other when e was 24. he said that life really sucks sometime and a full heartedly agreed with him. he told me that i am a beautiful person and have a beautiful personality even though not many people realize it and that i was going to make someone proud someday. i felt like i should be crying but i did feellike i could if i let myself go because i reeally barely know timmy and hearing these things from someone other than my parents made me want to cry. he said he would be honored if i ever called him to talk about something or ask a question or even bring me to hampstead hospital if i felt i needed to go back. then he said how we have things in common-that we were both premature babies and we had spent a lot of time between the two of us at hampstead. there was a lot of hugging and me thanking him for offering these things. and when my mom and i were walking to our the car he told me not to forget about what he had said. how could i forget that, really?
i wish i had known about all the people in my family that has had hospitalizations and troubles. when i was a freshmen or maybe in middle school i would cry at night and wish for something real to be so depressed about because my depression wasnt caused by anthing i knew of. i beat myself up for it, for feeling the ways i did when i didnt have a reason. and after that when i got help id always say that i didnt have a family history of depression when i actually have a history of that and addiction problems and other mental illness. if i had known i wasnt alone in my family, or even he world it would have eased the pain i felt about depression. once i had spent one stay at the hospial the first time i got a letter from my cousin katy about her things and being there to talk, my aunt (katie's mom) said she understood how i felt and was there for me, when my mom told me my grandmother wanted to visit me there i said she might et freaked out with all the oubursts roberta and others would have that would be scary to witness and id have to run to my room and shed have to leav e thee unit but my mom said that shes been to hospitals like that before to visit katie, and also my cousin skippy. Then on my father's side my aunt came over one day and told me she used to be on medicene and go to a therapist after my grandmother died, she basically spiled her heart out to me which at the time made me uncomfortable, then we all think my uncle steven is depressed since my grandfather died and maybe before that, and my dad pretty much gave me some of the bad habits that set ou up for depression its a wonder he doesnt have it either. all these people i never knew about. it makes me wonder how many more of them there are...

Current Mood: Flattered
Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
2:05 pm
Always Sexy
ive got my new laptop and im on it right now! i also got a hot new icon of sirius, thank you jen. i want to be cleaning my room but this laptop keeps bringing me back like a zombie...

Current Mood: distracted
Saturday, July 9th, 2005
9:26 pm
God Damnit
WHO is chris with right now?
WHAT am i supposed to do with all this anxiety?
WHERE are all the people i would talk to online?
WHY can't my cats continue loving me even though i smell like the kitten?
HOW am i suppose to move on from here??

Current Mood: distressed
Friday, July 8th, 2005
7:07 pm
Sandy Trash Barrel
ok, this all happened so fast. i was cleaning the walls in the bathroom so i can paint them (eventually) and hilary walked in and showed me a picture on her phone of a cute little kitten on dad's dashboard and she asked me if i thought he should bring it home. i said "i dont know, i guess so"
i love kittens, but i hate change-especially sudden change. this would mean another cat to pay attention to, i dont want to neglect bibi and zoe we are best friends basically! it was similar to how i felt about the cats when we first got them because keiko had just died a few weeks before and i felt like i was betraying her letting these new cats use all of her bowls, cat box, toys, and sleep in my bed. i got a little more ok with the possibility of having another cat. then hilary told me that dad was coming home with the cat and she was going out. then i was anxious again because i guess there was a part of me that realy didnt believe my parents would go for another cat. but they are suckers
i was laying on my bed with bibi and we were all comfy when my dad got home. he came up the stairs and i didnt hear anything so i thought maybe he didnt bring it home but then i heard strange kitten meowing and i knew it was actually happening. bibi jumped up and her eyes were wide and wild wondering who that cat was. i went out and saw her. she was very cute and she kept meowing. she looks like a little mountain lion or something and she is stray. my dad said the guys he worked with saw her on some boxes when she fell or jumped into a trash barrel. they were calling her sandy and they saw another cat which was probably the mother but they couldn't catch her.
bibi and zoe were hissing and growling at her and all she would do was meow innocently. bibi and zoe are now hiding but theyre not extremely tense which is good. zoe is in the chair next to me. i really hope they can all get along. zoe always wants to be a mother- she always washes bibi for her and all her toys she licks. it would be so cute.
we dont know what to name it and i just suggested sandy trash barrel since they called her sandy (because of her colors) and they found her in a trash barrel. we laughed but i =m afraid that might become her nick name. i'll get some pictures on here once we have some. now bib and zoe are with me. theyre so strange

Current Mood: nervous
Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
6:34 pm
my life- it's "enough to drive a young girl mad". thank you aerosmith
im home alone once again. i saw nancy today and it was one of those sessions where i feel like im backed into my corner and nothing i say will save my argument and i want to cry. but not for the whole time but im definetly not very happy with my life right now. she said she could see it in my face without talking to me. so she told me things i should do and i dont know if i remember all of them. one was to possibly paint the house for money (the inside) and my mom said that would be great, she says she doesnt think im doing my art enough and that even though the meds are clouding my creativity i should start drawing again so i dont lose it because it is my talent and she says i am the most talented artist of any of her patients, then there was the thing with doing a work out routine and i said i play ddr and she said thats good and to keep doing that, keep calling dunkin donuts or look for other jobs, maybe find out when school starts to help my nerves and all that. and here i am again home alone. hilary is working and my parents are having dinner at a friend's house. i dont know what to have for dinner. my only choices basically are oodles of noodles, mac and cheese, or spagettios. i need this month to fly by so it can be the 26th and i will be able to get harvest moon: more friends of mineral town FINALLY! then i will probably plkay it constantly until august begins and i go with raye to the museum of fine arts and meet chris! i hope everything goes as planned. but i have to remember that even though in my head i have an idea or vision of how i want a situation to go so it is perfect but something will almost always go wrong so i sould keep that in mind because apparently im setting myself up every single day of my life. she asked me what i thought my purpose was (here on earth) and the only thing that came to my mind was that a lot of the time i feel like i was just put here to annoy people and ruin the lives of others around me. otherwise i dont know. i have never known and before my medications when i used to cry quite a bit and still vaguely believed in god i would scream and plead to god why did he put me here because i am suffering all the time. what kind of influence am i supposed to be having on people? how could i be useful in changing someone's life for the better? for many years ive just felt that i have a big bulls eye on my back and everyone rains bombs on me and makes my life a miserable place to be. now i still feel t hat sometimes, but i dont have another answer for that question. it scares me

Current Mood: gloomy
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
9:12 pm
a thought and a wish
i wish chris would get his computer set up again and come talk to me and make me feel happy. i cant stop thinking about him and wanting so badly to meet him. i keep wondering lately if maybe he changed his screen name or hooked back up with his hounding ex girlfriend. he said hes not with her and once said that neither of us needs to be hurt again, so i dont know. my imagination is really running my life right now, always in a trance. sigh, i just want to be able to see that face and kiss him and hug him. it will be probably the best feeling i will have for a long time.

Current Mood: melancholy
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
8:18 pm
questions with blurry answers
Where is Chris? I wish he would get his computer hooked up and come back and say nice things to me. It builds me up and right now I believe all I've managed to build up is starting to crumble under the weight of all the boredom and uncertainty im having from all this time alone. It's my second week alone with nothing to do. I wake up, watch ER then go online to find no one is ever online anymore. It makes me feel like there is something really great going on that everyone is in on and participating except me. All i live for is the door opening sound of my buddy list, hoping its Chris. With these days I havent talked to him Questions keep coming to me, like
is he really an 18 year old boy that the picture shows?
Is he really an older man or woman just scamming me?
Am i gullable?
Is he hanging around his ex-girlfriend that wants to hook up again?
Will he like my pink hair?
Will he actually show up at the museum in August?
Will we last that long to meet?

Then there is the job thing hovering over my head. I'm afraid of calling dunkin donuts again because I'm afraid they will say the position has been filled. I cant stand rejection. I don't know many places around that will hire me with my pink hair. and i dont want to calle FYE back because im afraid ill get an interview before the manager at dunks calls me back. Its just a very convenient place for me to work. It's close to home and school, they have different owners than the ones in my town, and ive already done the job so some of it will be like riding a bike. my parents were talking about cleaning services and i think that would be good, id rarely see the people and cleaning makes me feel accomplished and its $9 or $10 an hour. i dont know

Then theres just the random questions that keep surfacing in my head over and over again
Are my meds clouding my creativity and making me not have anthing do draw anymore?
Will that talent ever come back to me?
Am I wasting my time going after Chris when he's so far away?
Why do I have times in the late afternoon when everything feels surreal and i feel like I'm tripping on drugs?
Why did I get the bad mentally concerning genes and hilary got skipped?
Why am I always so cold around her?
Why do guys like her and not me?
What am i doing wrong with my life? Why is it so hard to mold?
Do I want to be a therapist or even a psychologist?
Do I want to get better?
When will I feel stable enough to go down on my meds?
Will i be on them for the rest of my life and die an early death as mr. joyce said from the damage on my body from the medications?
Will I get married? I don't want to be single

Current Mood: high
Thursday, June 16th, 2005
6:48 pm
unload thoughts
i live to see a picture
i live to see a screen name
with its blue lettering talking back to me.
i dream about him
i think about him during the day
and hurdle all obstacles to be online to hopefully talk to him.
its sick and sad i think, sometimes.
but sometimes i think its absolutely right for me and will be perfect someday.

i've flown out of bed every morning this week just to play our sims family together and pretend its really happening.
i'm addicted to the computer-for the internet and for sims.
i dont want to do anything else
if only he had more time and i didnt have to take that medication that knocks me down in 15 minutes we could talk for so long...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's hard to get up and face the world everyday knowing that your sister, who is made up of all the same genes and whatnot as you, she has no mental illness and gets her life handed to her on a silver platter,
how can they hint at me that its partly because of how i treat her that she wants to have her stupid counseling
theres nothing wrong with her and she doesnt need it.
i cant be her friend when whenever we are in public walking side by side the guys check her out and not me, the cell phone people on commision ask her for a plan before they even look at me, she looks and sometimes acts like my older sister.
how can my parents expect me to do that?
i say how i feel and all i get out of them is "Oh come ON KAILEY!" and my thoughts and feelings are squashed into the dirt
then they send my dad in to be all soft and smooth it over.
well its getting a little too rocky with her in my life to smooth over anymore.
shes just stealing my spotlight
the spotlight that is on me because of my mental illnesses.
it gives me attention, people to see, places to go, hospitals to visit
and she thirsts for attention and anything i have or any whim she wants fulfilled.
she makes me want to cut
my parents not understanding me and making me feel crazy because they think my thoughts are invalid makes me want to cut
but i know there are too many eyes on me to do that and not get caught.
thats another thing-
she takes chances even though what shes trying for is outrageous to say, someone like me that is alone in her family of hypocrits and softies.
rules are bent and broken for her
i dont even try to break the rules and there is no reward for that
but she gets rewarded for breaking the rules by getting what she wants.
it pisses me off and gives me panic attacks.
it will never end
never

Current Mood: aggravated
Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
6:24 pm
blast from the past
Today i got a letter from myself... i was washing my face in the bathroom and my mom said i had some mail but she didnt know who it was from- there was no return address. when i looked at it i was like "this looks like...i wrote it." but then i remembered it could be from melissa because we have somewhat similar handwriting. so iput it in my purse to open in the privacy of my car-my mom wanted to know who it was from and i was thinking it was melissa responding to what i wrote her in her yearbook, so that would be personal and something i wouldnt want her to see. when i got to stephanie's house to pick her up for sylvan no one was home. i opened the letter and i saw my signature at the bottom and got scared because what i thought automatically was melissa was returning something i wrote and saying she didnt want to do this anymore. so i flipped out until i opened it and saw it said "Dear Kailey," its so messed up.it was me basically writing to my future self spouting of about being scared of highschool and not wanting to go and hoping i would have the same friends and maybe more. but even then, when i was just an 8th grader, i was afraid of being a senior and i didnt want to be. that struck me a little bit. but it was like a diary entry and it was odd to be reading a journal entry of mine that didnt involve troubles with melissa, medications, nancy, dr. weiss, dr. saidel, mr fish, or hospital stays.
i still havent fully realized that everything is over. im having a hard time breathing right now just thinking of all thats gone on though. any time i think of how i cant see mr fish anymore i scream on the inside, but i havent exploded about everything yet. i cried without holding back in the car on saturday, but that didnt have a point to it. and im not sure if i will talk about mr fish with my parents because i have a certain relationship with him that i cant explain, and a thought system in my head about him that i wont talk to my parents about. i take my relationships too far with people. if i get close with them i get feelings for them. i hate that it happens because it gets me no where good fast. but i dont know how to deal with these things in my head when they havent even hit home yet. i do want to go back to the school and give mrs henry a senior picture of me but im either afraid or excited about the thought of bumping into mr fish. im afraid i will cry or i will hug him and people will see and he wont like it. i dont want to emarass him or cross the line. i often dont know where "the line" is drawn anyways.
im addicted to the sims 2 again
im starting to feel that sick feeling i had a few months ago. crap

Current Mood: Surreal
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